Never too Late

never too lateIt’s been a while, and not because of that previous dry spell.  I have continued to seek God and His will for my life.  It has actually been pretty amazing this last few months, as He has revealed many things to me through his word and convictions.

I have been struggling with contentment.  I sometimes find myself feeling no joy, no happiness, depressed, and lonely.  I was beginning to notice the only time I was truly happy was in the mornings when I would ready and study my bible and go on my walk listening to worship music.  After that, the lack of contentment would hit me.

I believe much of this has to do with the fact I still do not know what capacity God wants me to serve in.  However, I also believe there are some important things in myself that I need to work on before I can serve.  In other words, there is some healing that needs to take place.

God has reveled two major things to me in the past several weeks.  The first, and most important, is that I do not trust Him.  I have struggled with mistrust in my relationships since I was a child and sexually molested at the young age of five.  That mistrust has followed me around my entire life.  I learned at a young age that I could only trust myself and that I had to be in control of everything in order to feel safe.

Yesterday, in the wee hours of the morning, the second major thing was revealed to me.  You see, I heard the words co-dependent for the first time when I was in counselling during my first marriage.  I worked very hard in therapy to change and be healed of this burden.  In 2010, I thought I had finished it and all was good.  After all, I was strong enough to leave my very co-dependent marriage. Well, guess what?  I have been praying to God for the past several months about my lack of contentment and my struggles with happiness.  Yesterday morning I believe He revealed to me that I am still suffering from being co-dependent in my new marriage.  This is why I am not feeling joy and happiness.  I was not healed from this.  I still have a lot of work today.  As I pondered this over the past 24 hours, I can see it.  My old co-dependent ways and need to control have slowly crept back into my life.  Wow, what a revelation!  I had no idea.  I couldn’t see it.

So here is the cool thing.  This morning I was reading my bible and I read this from Acts 4:22 “for the man was more than forty years old on whom this miracle of healing had been performed.”.  I felt God tell me “you are never to old to be healed”.  I cannot tell you how much this touched me.  I sometimes feel I am too old to be used by God.  And here he put before me this.  Another interesting thing is that He revealed to me on 4-22 that I still struggled with codependency.  Today I read this in  Acts 4:22.  Thank you Holy Spirit for the way you reveal things to us.

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Do You Have God in a Box?

BeFunky_ColorPinhole_3I am in the middle of doing a women’s bible study at church.  We are going through Beth Moore’s study “Believing God”.  It has been a long time since I have done a women’s bible study.  I felt led to do it recently when I was desperately searching for more God in my life. Knowing we have to seek Him to find Him, I figured this would be a good start to figuring out His will for my life.

I had no idea the study would become a test of my faith.  One question Beth asked of us was to sit and think about who we think God is.  When I prayerfully pondered this question, I realized I have packaged God in a box my whole life.

Who do I “think” God is?  Growing up I thought you had to be perfect in order to get into heaven.  I was always full of guilt about the “bad” things I did as a child.  My grandma was perfect in my eyes and my great-grandma was also perfect in my eyes.  They were pretty much the only Christian women I was ever around who were truly walking the walk (at least that I recall).  They were women completely and totally devoted to Christ.  They read their bibles, preached the word, went to church, and lived the life. I often wonder if they ever sinned!  I know they did, as everybody sins and falls short. I just don’t recall ever seeing it.

Add to that that as I got older and began meeting adult women,  I would always see more “perfect Christian women”.  You know the ones…the ones you see and think to yourself, “Wow, they are for sure going to heaven”.

The box (of lies) I had God in my whole life was something like this:
1.  If you do good and are doing every thing you should be doing I’ll let you into heaven.
2.  If you do good and are doing every thing you should be doing I will bless you here on       earth.
3.  If you do good and are doing every thing you should be doing I will answer your prayers.
4.  If you do good and are doing every thing you should be doing you will have all of the fruits of the Spirit that you have been longing for.
5.  If you are not doing all of the things you should be doing, or if you fall down I will not do these things because I am disappointed in you.

Wow, what an awful box I have put God in.  I struggle with believing that I have a seat in heaven based on faith alone.  I still struggle with thinking I have to earn my way into heaven.  I struggle with unbelief that God loves me and wants to do wonderful things for me!

While reflecting on this realization, it occurred to me.  These women I thought were so perfect, weren’t.  They were merely women bearing the fruits of the Spirit.  Women of faith. God’s word alive and active in them.  Some of these women have had great obstacles thrown in their path, yet their faith never faltered.

I want that!  Why am I choosing to believe God isn’t who He says He is?  Why am I choosing to believe He won’t do what He says He will?  He is much bigger than the tiny little box I have put him in.  He is who He says He is.  He will do what He says He will do. Now I just have to figure out how to open that box and let those past lies out and throw the box away!  I have to let go of my unbelief.

He touched their eyes and said, “According to your faith will it be done to you“.  Matthew 9:29