It’s been a while, and not because of that previous dry spell. I have continued to seek God and His will for my life. It has actually been pretty amazing this last few months, as He has revealed many things to me through his word and convictions.
I have been struggling with contentment. I sometimes find myself feeling no joy, no happiness, depressed, and lonely. I was beginning to notice the only time I was truly happy was in the mornings when I would ready and study my bible and go on my walk listening to worship music. After that, the lack of contentment would hit me.
I believe much of this has to do with the fact I still do not know what capacity God wants me to serve in. However, I also believe there are some important things in myself that I need to work on before I can serve. In other words, there is some healing that needs to take place.
God has reveled two major things to me in the past several weeks. The first, and most important, is that I do not trust Him. I have struggled with mistrust in my relationships since I was a child and sexually molested at the young age of five. That mistrust has followed me around my entire life. I learned at a young age that I could only trust myself and that I had to be in control of everything in order to feel safe.
Yesterday, in the wee hours of the morning, the second major thing was revealed to me. You see, I heard the words co-dependent for the first time when I was in counselling during my first marriage. I worked very hard in therapy to change and be healed of this burden. In 2010, I thought I had finished it and all was good. After all, I was strong enough to leave my very co-dependent marriage. Well, guess what? I have been praying to God for the past several months about my lack of contentment and my struggles with happiness. Yesterday morning I believe He revealed to me that I am still suffering from being co-dependent in my new marriage. This is why I am not feeling joy and happiness. I was not healed from this. I still have a lot of work today. As I pondered this over the past 24 hours, I can see it. My old co-dependent ways and need to control have slowly crept back into my life. Wow, what a revelation! I had no idea. I couldn’t see it.
So here is the cool thing. This morning I was reading my bible and I read this from Acts 4:22 “for the man was more than forty years old on whom this miracle of healing had been performed.”. I felt God tell me “you are never to old to be healed”. I cannot tell you how much this touched me. I sometimes feel I am too old to be used by God. And here he put before me this. Another interesting thing is that He revealed to me on 4-22 that I still struggled with codependency. Today I read this in Acts 4:22. Thank you Holy Spirit for the way you reveal things to us.